Hill Of Thorns

News From the Top of the Hill

Brooklyn Nine-Nine Full of Laughs, Violent Racial Profiling

Critics are raving about the freshman comedy hit Brooklyn Nine-Nine, a sitcom about a boyish, but capable, detective and his eccentric colleagues solving crime in Brooklyn’s ninety-ninth district. Samberg’s “Detective Jake Peralta” is the classic man-child savant: a goofy detective capable of cracking the most difficult case—and a few skulls! (Samberg’s character accidentally beats a black man to death during the first episode). 

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Samberg’s character wonders if this is the same black man he arrested for “crossing the street wrong”.

The show focuses on the daily life and antics of this brilliant ensemble cast, as they solve crimes with their street smarts and brutal extrajudical violence, usually perpetuated against young men of color. “We wanted to make this show as representative of the diversity and vibrance of Brooklyn as possible”, says producer Sean Timberslaw. “Brooklyn is a fun, hip borough with a lot of characters. Whether it’s the mustachioed hipster in Williamsburg, the surly Hasidic grocer, or the 13 year old Puerto Rican who is slammed to the ground and stomped on for making eye contact with the wrong officer, we’ve got em’ in the show.”

So what’s next for this Golden Globe winning comedy? Timberslaw says audiences can expect that same old Brooklyn Nine- Nine charm, with a few twists. “We’re gonna have some fantastic cameos from Steve Carell and even Dame Judy Dench.” Dench is set to play a Latina public school teacher whose son gets in hot water when he brings an “aggressive looking yoyo” into school. Her son is sentenced to 30 years in prison, despite the character reluctantly sleeping with Detective Peralta. “It’s part Crash, part Cops, all comedy”. 


Parents Hope Child’s Name Will Not Be Slang Come 2018

In an effort to be “unique”, new parents Sarah and Donn (above) made what they call “an unfortunate oversight”.

New parents Sarah and Donn Kylen recently expressed doubts about naming their child Rachet this last September. According to the new parents the name just “sounded right” for their new baby girl. “I felt like I had heard it somewhere before, it seemed at once noble and cutting edge” says Donn, who now suspects he heard the name while walking through his neighborhood in Bedstuy. “We wanted something unique, but with a classic foundation” says Sarah, who now realizes Tallualah probably would have been better. The couple, who have absolutely no black friends, told reporters that it wasn’t until they listened closely to the lyrics of a Kendrick Lamar song that they realized the real meaning of the name. “We are into really alternative types of music, we love Kendrick so we were psyched to pay homage to that until we looked it up.”

The couple, who plans on opening a wine bar in what was once an after school center for black youth, says they’re hoping the name will cease to be slang come 2018 when their child starts kindergarten. “We think kids in the charter school will be really supportive if some how the name continues to be slang. Until then we can only hope they don’t find out that her middle name is Vagina.”


Paleolithic Women Devastated By Unrealistic Body Image Standard Set By Fertility Sculptures

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This paleolithic Barbie doll is credited with destroying the self esteem of millions of young girls during the Stone Age. 

A group of Harvard University anthropologists and archeologists has made a startling revelation about the life of paleolithic women. “What we’ve found is unprecedented evidence of body image issues among paleolithic women dating from between 24,000 to 20,000 BCE.” The researchers say evidence points to fertility statues, such as the famed “Venus of Willendorf”, as the cause of deep-seated insecurities in paleolithic women. “We have uncovered fascinating evidence of a growing number of paleolithic women becoming insecure about their figures as images of the so called ‘fertility’ shape became more prevalent”, says lead researcher Bob Thorpe.

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In what researchers call some of the “first ad copy”, these cave paintings depict “real Paleolithic woman” while encouraging them to hide their flaws with calves blood and twigs.

More fascinating still are the signs of a “campaign for real beauty” that emerged shortly after radical weight gain diets became common for most paleolithic women. Says research fellow Barbra Northgate, “What we’ve seen is that, after a surge in dangerous all milk and honey diets that promised to give women that ‘fertile shape men crave’, there was some blow back. We see cave drawings promising to depict ‘real women’ although evidence shows this claim is fairly dubious and just as tied to socially constructed standards of beauty as the ‘fertility shape’ that was so popular. Our best guess is that these cave drawings served to inspire not so ‘fertile’ looking woman to purchase products to aspire to a slightly less extreme standard of beauty. Bee sting services or herbs that were guaranteed to ‘inflate the skin’, for instance, were very popular and these drawings seem to be responsible for that”.

Whatever the reason, researchers say the “campaign for real beauty” provides valuable insight into the human condition. “We’ve come really far”, Northgate told Hill of Thorns. “It’s astonishing to think that the seeds of human culture were steeped with the cynical exploitation of woman’s bodies. Now we have definite proof that progress has been made”, she continued before abruptly leaving the interview to sit alone in the dark and eat a salad.  

Macklemore Wins ‘Student of the Month’ In Ms. Simpson’s 2nd Grade Class

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Grammy winner Macklemore enjoys an ironic slurpee in his signature “tiger’s vagina” jacket.

After a big win at the Grammys, Macklemore is at it again, this time taking home the “Student of the Month” award in Ms. Simpson’s 2nd grade class in Duluth, Minnesota. Despite the fact that Macklemore has never attended the class, experts say that because the 30 year old “rapper” was once enrolled in 2nd grade, the process is totally “legit”.

After accepting the reward, Macklemore texted this apology for Ben to his father, even though the two attended the same pizza party after the awards ceremony. 

Macklemore, who graciously accepted the award at a ceremony in the Greenside Elementary cafetorium, later Instagramed a screenshot of his apology to 7 year old Ben Wilthly who was widely thought to be a shoe-in for the award. “He had by far the most creative and talented approach to 2nd grade out there,” says long time teacher Ms. Simpson of Withly. “But at the end of the day the school board wanted to go with someone accessible, someone whose mediocrity was twisted into a bizarre post-second grade fantasy of what being a second grader means. I guess they thought that kitsch was somehow more authentic than the complicated, often confusing reality of second grade in America that Ben captured so poetically. They choose someone whose ironic pastiche of 1990’s second grade culture could relate to millions of folks who view the honest representation of second grade as a threat. That’s why they went with Macklemore who I’m sure is a very good boy”.

At the time of publication Ben Withly was not available for comment. Macklemore is favored to win over four gold medals in this weeks Olympics despite not attending the games due to his crippling fear of snow. 


Asian Woman Discovers Culture Through OKCupid

Reika Sulani, a 24 year old Seattleite and computer engineer told reporters today that she has “learned so much” about her Japanese culture through the illicit, racist messages sent to her by the men of OKCupid. 

After joining OKCupid in 2010, Sulani received over 250 racist messages within the first few days. 

Sulani, who is in fact of Chinese and Italian heritage told Hill Of Thorns that prior to joining the internet dating site, she believed was just like every other fourth generation American. Now the young woman confesses she “couldn’t have been more wrong”. 

Asian style expert HeippaHei puts his hat in the ring with this sassy message.

"I had no idea that most Asian women were intimidated by the size and proportions of a white mans penis, but soon learned I was because almost every guy messaging me made sure to mention that. I also didn’t know that I was so into sushi and that people can tell I’m Japanese by the ‘slant of my eyes’ and face shape. Old school phrenology isn’t dead after all! …At first I didn’t trust men whose only experiences with what they call ‘Asian Culture’ were manga magazines and one trip to Tokyo in college, but so many of them can’t be wrong."

Word smith and comedian Wellhaynow speaks to the poet in us all with his barefaced, wildly misspelled racism.

Sulani says she’s eager to share her new cultural understanding with her black friend Amelia Harris, who has been learning about her struggles as a minority by dating a white male activist.

"We’ll have a lot to talk about, I’m sure," Sulani told reporters, "I know she’s eager to share how much she learned about how she struggles with street harassment from a second hand observer who will never have to deal with it but feels as though, by virtue of his position as a white male, he can some how explain to her why it is so awful and claim her pain as his own. We’re gonna have a great talk."



**Thanks to soicreepyeah for the screenshots!**

Here is one final, absurdly terrible one to wrap it up:

Coolest Guy In Brooklyn “Running Out of Asymmetrical Haircuts”

imageDylan Mirzan, also known as DJ Ve$tibule, says he will run out of asymmetric haircuts by 2015.

32 year old barista Dylan Mirzan told reporters yesterday that he fears he has exhausted all but three new asymmetrical haircuts and will likely be out of options by 2015. The part time DJ said that, after years of being on the cutting edge of style, his haircut preference is “simply unsustainable”. 

Expert hairstylist and fashion writer Joel McCray said she’s not sure his trend setting coiffure can make it more than a month. “In his elaborate quest to prove there is something unique and intriguing about him, Dylan has gone through almost every imaginable asymmetric look leaving him with very little left to do to make himself appear interesting”, McCray told Hill Of Thorns. “Over the years Dylan has sampled more than three hundred and fifty-four haircuts from daguerrotypes of Native Americans and that doesn’t even cover the hundreds of ‘Euro-Trash’ looks he debuted in Portland, OR in 2005 and later brought to Williamsburg before entering his ‘Street-Kid-With-Something-To-Prove’ phase in 09’. In 2011 he transitioned into the ‘If-Hilter-Was-A-Club-Kid’ style, with a brief foray into the ‘It’s Cool Cause He’s Not Black’ schema in 2012. With the onset of the new year his ‘Prairie-Settler-Recovering-From-A-Snake-Bite-To-The-Temple’ look just isn’t going to cut it. And there’s not much else he can do from there”.

Mirzan is now considering a trip visit tribal groups in remote areas of the Amazon for inspiration. He also says if his haircut shortage continues he’ll likely have to go full throttle and get an asymmetric head “just to keep things fresh”. 

Paula Deen Grateful “Zimmerman Really Took The Heat Off Me”

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Paula Deen celebrates the public becoming distracted from her racism scandal after the Trayvon Martin verdict ruled George Zimmerman not guilty.

In a recently published Op-Ed on Hill Of Thorns Sunday Edition, celebrity chef Paula Deen said she was “grateful for the events of the past week… because, ya’ll, he really took the heat off me. I was burning up like a pan of bacon cookin’ deep fried in butter, but that Spic showed America who the true racist is.” Deen added that it wasn’t wrong to refer to Zimmerman with a racial slur because he was “the bad kind of Latino”. The full letter is reprinted below.

My dearest fans, friends, and family. As ya’ll know I have been struggling to prove my innocence in the wake of a lawsuit against me for alleged racist comments. I have been praying everyday to God and baby Jesus for a way to shine the light on who I really am. God granted my prayers through the Zimmerman verdict. I have to say, I am so grateful for the events of the past week. I am grateful because, ya’ll, he really took the heat off me. I was burning up like a pan of bacon deep-fried in butter, but that Spic showed America who the true racist is. 

I know some of you might accuse me of further racism because of the unsavory racial “slur” I just used. But, let me be clear with ya’ll: it’s only racist when you are saying it to a good colored person, and Zimmerman is the bad kind of Latino. Why? Because only white people are supposed to have guns. Oh my bad ya’ll, I just found out he’s a White Latino, would you look at that. That’s almost as bizarre as me making a heart healthy meal. It’s like oil and water: it don’t mix. 

I do realize that some of my actions were wrong, and for that, ya’ll, I’m deeply sorry. For instance, I now realize that had I simply shot and killed my black employees and claimed it was out of a fear for my own safety, I never would be dealing with this lawsuit to begin with. I would most likely be acquitted for their murders and I could go on receiving millions of dollars in funding for my show and selling diabetes medication. But, ya’ll know, sometimes life ain’t fair and now I’ve had my name dragged through mud that’s blacker than a teenager eating Skittle’s. It just ain’t right. 

This whole thing just goes to show you that we’ve lost focus as a nation. We need to go after the real racists. I’m just a country gal who loves butter and the occasional antebellum South themed wedding where I have black men act like well dressed slaves. Is that so bad? My casual racism is nothing compared to the Zimmermans of the world, and he’s innocent, so don’t ya’ll think I should be too?

World Of Thorns: Global Opinions On Paula Deen’s Racism



World Of Thorns is a special feature where our reporters asked everyday people from around the world to weigh in on what you care about most!

James Sanders of Canada: “Deen’s actions are reprehensible, but she apologized aboot it so, you know, I think she should be forgiven.”

Unnamed Rebel Fighter from Syria: “Our children are being murdered in their homes. Some are being forced to fight and coerced into murdering their countrymen. We are being sprayed with chemical weapons as our government finds ever more efficient ways to kill us. The world is blind to our suffering as the conflict deepens. Millions are displaced, thousands dead, hundred wrecked by war. We are…

[That’s when our transmission cut out. But, it sounds like they are livid with Paula Deen! More to come.]

Grown Men Communicate Exclusively In Television References For Three Years

The two friends have fully developed motor skills, yet lack the ability to speak for themselves. 

Two fully grown human men have been communicating only in TV show references for the last three years. The men, Dylan Wordsworth and Chad Gorman, have been life long friends, but only recently did their relationship turn into the endless repetition of Family Guy quotes and Adult Swim references. “At first it started off kind of funny. Dylan would say an Austin Powers quote and Chad would jump in with something from Chappelle’s Show. But eventually they stopped introducing the clips with something like ‘Oh my favorite part is… ‘, ‘I liked it when the guy …’, or “No, the best part is when…”. And then they just stopped using words independent of the clips at all… It’s challenging” said Wordsworth’s mother Cheryl.

The two fully literate adult men can usually be seen sharing a soda and a laugh about the latest Tosh. 0 joke. “Sometimes when their saying ‘I’m Rick James, bitch’ you can see the desperation in their eyes, like they’re trying to say ‘just kill me, anything to give me back a mind of my own’” says longtime friend Billy Myddles. “It’s almost like they are in a daze. Sometimes they aren’t even laughing, they are just dead pan starring at each other saying ‘PopPop horny Michael’ or just humming the theme song of King of the Hill. It’s eerie.”

The men, who have slowly alienated most of their loved ones told reporters “They killed Kenny,” and “That brings us to tonight’s word” through shallow, haunted laughter. 
 

Muslim Americans “Feel More American Than Ever” In Wake of NSA Scandal

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For over a decade Muslim Americans have been intensely surveilled by institutions like the FBI, NSA and CIA. But now, as new information has come to light about the PRISM program and those institutions collecting data on millions of Americans, Muslims are saying they feel “more a part of the fabric of this nation” than ever before. 

Hakim Kamal of Detroit said he finally feels like a “normal American”. “For years my family and I were monitored” said Kamal, “nothing we did was private, our civil rights were violated. We were well aware that our internet use was being monitored and data was given to these organizations. But now that we learned it’s happening to everyone we feel more at ease. They really do treat everyone equally in America.” Kamal’s neighbor, John Hormel, says he feels more connected to the Kamal family than ever before. “I thought we were so different, you know? Like they had these weird things where they didn’t eat bacon and they kneel a lot. But now that we learned we’re being spied on by the government too, I don’t know, I feel like, hey, looks we’re not so different after all.” 

Another Muslim American citizen told Hill of Thorns she was “happy to be part of the pilot program that allowed the government to violate the rights of everyone in this great country”. She declined to give her name, as she is currently in jail, under investigation for “suspicious activity” after viewing the video “Real Life Mermaids Caught On Camera” and looking up gardening supplies. “I am disheartened that I am being held without a lawyer indefinitely, but at least I know this could happen to any other American now. It makes me feel like I’m truly having an American experience.”

Muslim Americans have also bonded with other Americans who are outraged at this news. “At first we felt singled out, but now I feel like we are finally on the same page”, says Jamal Moore. “It’s refreshing to share an opinion with the rest of America. Our ideas about the US spying on us are no longer radical, they are part of the status quo. It’s just great.”

Many Muslim Americans have set up support groups and lectures for other citizens like “One Nation Under Privacy Violation” and “I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me: A Guide to Impotent Rage In the Police State”. “We feel uniquely poised to deal with these issues, as we have been subject to heavy government surveillance for a over decade. We’re working on creating some support groups for the eventuality of non-Muslim people being coerced and tricked into admitting to terrorist links or involvement. It’s going to be a real bonding experience with other Americans. Being victimized in the same way has the upside of fostering solidarity, trust and unity. Which may actually be the most frightening result of this operation for the US government: a nation united under by a common threat, only this time it’s not us.”